Consent: what do you need to know?
Author: Hanin Makarem
Editors: Kintan van Leeuwen, Elisah Sauerbier
Consent comes first!
Have you ever heard of Aristotle's famous essay, ‘Human is a Social Animal’? Aristotle argued that human beings can’t survive alone. It is crucial for human beings to interact and connect with each other, in order to fully develop themselves. Humans are intelligent and curious animals that were gifted with a brain that was not fully pre-programmed before birth. This has given the human brain the gift of independence, to develop itself throughout social interactions during one's lifetime. Consent is one of the basic social rules. However, as we enter the year 2022, some humans still find it hard or even uncomfortable to ask one specific question. This hard-to-ask question is regarding consent, especially in the intimate spheres, such as sexual settings.
Therefore, the question is, why do people find it difficult to ask for consent? Before we start answering that, let’s begin by defining what consent is.
What is consent ?
In short, consent in general is a permission given by someone to a fellow human being, who asked for it. For instance, one can ask a friend to borrow a pencil and they can lend a pencil with their consent. Consent in sexual relationships is a voluntary approval or agreement on a sexual action by everyone involved in this action. Furthermore, the given consent must be enthusiastic, because enthusiasm shows that the other is excited, in-accordance with the act and they are not doing it just because they have to.
If you sense that the other person is not excited, this could indicate that they feel pressured or uncomfortable. Keep this in mind when asking for and receiving consent.
It is crucial that the person giving consent must be conscious, mentally, and physically. For example, an intoxicated person is unable to give consent. According to Rape Crisis, without consent, any kind of sexual activity is sexual violence.
As stated by WHO, ”Any sexual act, attempt to obtain a sexual act, unwanted sexual comments or advances, or acts to traffic, or otherwise directed, against a person’s sexuality using coercion, by any person regardless of their relationship to the victim, in any setting, including but not limited to home and work.”
Verbal and Non-Verbal Consent
Each person has a personal space where they feel comfortable and safe. This personal space or ‘bubble’ should not be invaded without permission.
Consent is not only important because we have the right to be respected of our personal space, but also because it will make sex much more enjoyable when both people have eagerly agreed on the action.
There are three main criteria for consent, informed, voluntary and revocable. We already mentioned the first two in the text above. Furthermore, revocable consent means that the person giving consent, has the right to change their mind. This can be any time during the sexual act. Agreement on the act can be verbal or non-verbal, although a verbal consent does make things more clear. Words such as yes, I like that, or I’m having fun, indicate a clear approval. On the other hand, non-verbal consent can be a little vague but is still an option if it is combined with excitement. Non-verbal approvals include nodding, direct eye contact, and getting closer to the other person.
When do we need to ask for consent ?
Agreement on having sex is not limited to the beginning of the relationship. In contrast, consent must be given throughout the entire duration of a relationship. This also includes couples who have been together for many years. The same applies to married couples, they should continue to permit each other.
The United States is a frontrunner in many world affairs. However, according to the legal system in the United States a marital rape was not punishable as a crime until 1993 as stated by Refinary29.
Marital rape is much more common than we think. According to VAWnet, approximately 10-14% of married women are raped by their husbands in the United States. Approximately one-third of women report having 'unwanted sex' with their partners. The issue contains that many married women don't consider unwanted sex within marriage as rape. Many women don't report such a case and this ensures that in reality, the numbers of marital rape remain unknown.
Additionally, in numerous eastern countries people justify wife-beating, if the ‘wife’ refuses to have sex with their husband. This view includes both men and women. According to Women’s Atlas, in Kyrgyzstan 50% of women aged between 15-49 justified wife-beating for reasons not limited to but included refusing sex.
According to News18, marital rape is still not criminalized in 32 countries across the world.
This fact underlies the idea of some women instantly becoming the property of their husband the second they get married. In this context, it is important to mention that in many countries women are still oppressed by their husbands. Not only the husband but also any male figure in power, such as, a father, brother and even a cousin. As reported by BBC in Saudi Arabia, women were not allowed to travel abroad without a male guardian until 2019.
How social expectations influence the way we receive rejection ?
All of what was mentioned above might leave you with the question, why is it hard to ask for consent? Why do some people feel so entitled that they do not need consent?
The answer is rejection. Some people are afraid of being rejected and for the most part, they are afraid of the consequences of this rejection.
Gender roles and the expectations associated with them influence the way we perceive and receive rejection. Men, for example, are expected to be confident, strong, independent, and dominant. While women, on the other hand, are expected to be kind, dependent, submissive, and emotional. Despite that, these roles have been continuously changing, men and women still have been assigned these roles for centuries. And nowadays people are still influenced by them. Therefore, when a man gets rejected, they take it as an insult. Dr. Degges-white explains that Women tend to be “allowed” to lack self-confidence or suffer from “low self-esteem” in our culture. Whereas men are expected to be strong, confident, and sure of themselves in any situation. The socially insecure may present themselves so poorly – due to their own self-doubt – that their expectations of rejection shape the reality they create. Society is still infected with toxic masculinity which puts tension on men to behave according to their standards. According to Amy Morin, a psychotherapist , “This idea that men need to act tough and avoid showing all emotions can be harmful to their mental health and can have serious consequences for society”.
What Does It Show ?
Therefore, it is important to note that by learning to understand the root of a problem, the analysis might present itself as a first step to solving it. Changing our mentality about consent is a crucial first step that everyone should take to prevent hurting others and themselves. At the end of the day, if asking for consent shows anything, it shows respect. Not only to others but also to yourself. Learning about consent on a young age is - according to experts - the most effective solution to prevent rape and abuse later on in life. As for learning how to read, or ride a bicycle, consent can also only be achieved by learning about it from your social environment.
Still confused about what consent is? Watch this simple video that explains it all: Tea Consent
